Friday, December 17, 2004
I extinguished a diner
So we did.
I'm sitting in the corner and right behind Karen I see a wall of flame crossing the back of one of the restaurant patrons. I jumped up and patted out the fire just as his date saw waht was happening. The whole thing was over and I was back in my chair enjoying my coffee before anyone noticed. I looked around the room and it was business as usual. None of the staff even saw it.
I put out a flaming customer and didn't even get a free cup of coffee out of it.
Let it be writ on The Wall of Truth: I deserve a free cup of coffee.
Thursday, December 09, 2004
That’s MISTER Ogony to you!
The Prettiest Girl Who Ever Lived In East Hobofart, Idaho
And Is Accustomed To Getting Her Way
… move to Los Angeles and become …
The Third Prettiest Girl
On This Twenty Foot Stretch Of Sidewalk.
If you have deep seated wounds in your heart from high school and bear bitter malice for cheerleaders, you could come to Los Angeles to watch them suffer.
Or perhaps you can be there to pick up the pieces.
You can be her knight in throbbing armor, with a deep abiding altruism and a stable income – love and hate tattooed on the knuckles of your dick.
Generic Hot Blonde Babes have a better chance of living to the credits in a slasher film than they do of finding happiness in Los Angeles.
Personally I bear no ill will to the cheerleaders. I paid them little mind.
I was one of the handful of guys who realized
The Uncomfortable Truth of High School
which is …
Every single one of the Drama Club girls was hotter
than every single one of the cheerleaders.
Every single one of the AP girls was hotter
than every single one of the cheerleaders.
Every single one of the Stoner girls was hotter
than every single one of the cheerleaders.
Additionally…
Football Team / Cheerleaders = 30 guys / 6 girls
Drama Club = 30 girls / 3 straight guys
The truth is clear…
Football is gay.
Drama club is for men.
So there. I have spake. Give me a dollar. I accept PayPal and my rectum is a Coinstar that will spit out a Canadian nickel with enough velocity to pierce drywall.
But I digress…
I’m told that Nerd Girls are an acquired taste. Personally, I never liked fluffy girls. I like women that stand their ground and have something to say. Give me an ugly duckling that bloomed too late to enjoy high school and just in time to enjoy college. Give me a girl who spent her lunchtime reading and doodling in a notebook. You can keep the gossip bunny and the recording secretary of the Similar Girls Club.
Be sure to liquor up the trophy wife once a week and park her spinning class butt in front of the Tivo with a low-carb Zima and a plate of Steaming Atkins Roadkill. Hook her up to the Prozac drip and an aromatherapy candle for piles (www.sharperimage.com).
My wife and I will be at Book Soup browsing and dreaming, sipping and doodling, We’ll eat tofu and noodles and hunt for the Exact Right Pen. We’ll scritch the cat while watching Kurosawa and Troma and see you on Monday.
Tuesday, December 07, 2004
Netiquette
Sunday, December 05, 2004
Show biz
Saturday, December 04, 2004
New Age
Friday, December 03, 2004
A Dream I Had
They were very disappointed with the guy doing the scene with DeNiro so they were scouring the legion of extras for someone who could be “existential.” I thought THIS IS MY CHANCE! I’ve gotta be the most existential patrolman extra EVER! Existential Patrolman Extra?!? That's ME!!!
So I found a little space off the side to practice being existential but it kept turning out to be cheap DeNiro impersonations. I’d think “AHA I HAVE IT! Now THAT”S Existential!” Then I’d realize, no, that’s Raging Bull.
