Hi-Brow + Low-Brow = Uni-Brow

Someone (a banker) pulled one of those protein fruit smoothie bottles out of the fridge that had been in there WAY too long. It had actually puffed out. And he OPENED it! Doy!

It exploded all over the carpet right outside my office and for the past two days I have been swamped with a smell I can only describe as CORPSE WITH A HINT OF FRUIT.

I have dowsed it with lysol and the cleaning lady came up and scrubbed it with some industrial solvent (I don't think she was actually scrubbing the right spot).

For a while it smelled like FRUITY CORPSE with LYSOL and INDUSTRIAL SOLVENT.

But that has faded and now it's back to just fruity corpse.

Imagine half a rotten cantalope with a dead rat and sour milk in it.

TWO DAYS of it!

I've come up with a term for material that combines incisive socio-political commentary and dump jokes.

I call it

SHATIRE

...

oh never mind

Any time I don't wanna do something, I'm gonna use the following. I advise you do the same.

EXAMPLE:
"Hey, clean the cat box"
"I think that sends the wrong message to the troops."

AND/OR:
"To be a coward and back out now could cause the cat turds to doubt the resolve of the American people."

This replaces "and the terrorists win" and all variations thereof.

EXAMPLE:
"If you don't blow me, the terrorists win."

Secretary: Are you coming to the holiday party?
Me: No, if I go too far from home my ankle bracelet starts beeping.


I'm not sure she got it.

Argh ... and the tragic thing is, that was the best I had all day ...

They killed Julius Ceasar.

Huh ... I didn't see that coming ...

If any legislator wants to vote against the torture ban, or if the white house wants to veto it, that's fine and they have the right to do that, but here's what I suggest ...

... John McCain shows up at your office with some bamboo and a pair of pliers ...

... twenty minutes later you vote any way you choose ...

I dreamt I was a small town sheriff. Our jail hand instituted a cutting edge safety program. For the duration of their stay, we transferred the brain of each prisoner into a block of tofu.

I was standing over an aluminum foil pan with a block of tofu in it when one of the deputies came in and asked my why I was crying?

Sobbing and pointing at a block of tofu, I said "I'm just really worried about this prisoner."

With that, I've reached a decision.

Next cheap-ass horror movie I'm involved with, I'm going to figure out how to make the blood and guts vegan, nutritious, REALLY tasty and completely disgusting looking.

Something about becoming vegan really brings out your inner cannibal.

We all have our slips.

We played Scrabble last night at my pal Sue's place. I came in last every game.

The highlight was that my pal Carrie and I cracked the same pun at the same time.

We both referred to someone as having committed:

VERNACULAR HOMICIDE

... yeah I know, but the thing is we both said it at the same time ...

... all right ... it's ...

... I don't care, I still like it ...

.... oh never mind ...