Wednesday, September 27, 2006
Star Struck
... so I was hanging out last night with Bob, you know, Bob Newhart. And Bob said the funniest thing. I said to him, in my Scooby Doo voice, "RI rove rou Rob Rewhart!" And he said, and you gotta picture Bob saying this, he said "Somebody get security." Isnt' that classic?
Ok, actually, last night after work I dashed over to Borders Westwood cuz Bob Newhart was doing a book signing. I had my copy of his book and the album Button Down Mind. The security/publicist dude said "No memorabilia, he's only signing the book." Oh well. Here's how the conversation actually went
ME
Thank you so much Mr. Newhart
Mr. Newhart
Oh you're very welcome.
DANG! Isn't that great?
When the Dogtown and Z-Boys soundtrack came out, Tony Alva did a signing appearance. And I had an actual conversation with Tony Alva. It went like this:
ME
Hey Tony.
TONY ALVA
Hey.
Fuggin A man, can you believe it? AND there was a little riser you had to step up on to and back down off of, AND I did NOT wipe out either time! Did not drool, fart, sputter or fall down in front of Tony Alva OR Bob Newhart.
Since I moved to LA I've graduated the Second City writers program and UCLA Medical Center's EMT program but my real accomplishments were to not fuck up too horrible in front of Mr. Alva or Mr. Newhart.
It really was a buzz. I love that guy. If the vibe was right and I could crack a joke I was gonna say "I loved you in Snakes on a Plane" but it was not to be.
Talking over celeb experiences I recounted how Martin Scorcese filled me with terror, but when Weird Al Yankovic gave me a "dude nod" it filled me with glee.
I have signed books from Bob Newhart and Carl Reiner.
And the thing is, you can go to used bookstores and thrift shops and actually find signed books in the bin for a buck -- Joan Rivers, Charles Grodin and Henry Rollins.
I don't give a flying fuzz about the ebay value of any of these things. I just like these things from people I like. The Joan Rivers book has an additional layer of fun to it in that the inscriptions leads me to believe the signed book was a gift to a personal assistant and the book ended up at the thrift store. Yeah thanks boss.
Oh I also have a Spalding Gray. That makes me sad.
And some martial arts celebs. Glenn Morris -- he passed away this year so that makes me sad too. Also Stephen K. Hayes and Masaaki Hatsumi -- that's kinda huge. Also George Thompson and Viki King just cuz I took classes with them. And this loony woman who taught a remote viewing course.
Oh and I have dvds of "The Incredibly Strange Creatures Who Stopped Living and Became Mixed Up Zombies" and "The Lemon Grove Kids Meet the Monsters" signed by Ray Dennis Steckler.
Ri rove Rob Rewhart!
Ok, actually, last night after work I dashed over to Borders Westwood cuz Bob Newhart was doing a book signing. I had my copy of his book and the album Button Down Mind. The security/publicist dude said "No memorabilia, he's only signing the book." Oh well. Here's how the conversation actually went
ME
Thank you so much Mr. Newhart
Mr. Newhart
Oh you're very welcome.
DANG! Isn't that great?
When the Dogtown and Z-Boys soundtrack came out, Tony Alva did a signing appearance. And I had an actual conversation with Tony Alva. It went like this:
ME
Hey Tony.
TONY ALVA
Hey.
Fuggin A man, can you believe it? AND there was a little riser you had to step up on to and back down off of, AND I did NOT wipe out either time! Did not drool, fart, sputter or fall down in front of Tony Alva OR Bob Newhart.
Since I moved to LA I've graduated the Second City writers program and UCLA Medical Center's EMT program but my real accomplishments were to not fuck up too horrible in front of Mr. Alva or Mr. Newhart.
It really was a buzz. I love that guy. If the vibe was right and I could crack a joke I was gonna say "I loved you in Snakes on a Plane" but it was not to be.
Talking over celeb experiences I recounted how Martin Scorcese filled me with terror, but when Weird Al Yankovic gave me a "dude nod" it filled me with glee.
I have signed books from Bob Newhart and Carl Reiner.
And the thing is, you can go to used bookstores and thrift shops and actually find signed books in the bin for a buck -- Joan Rivers, Charles Grodin and Henry Rollins.
I don't give a flying fuzz about the ebay value of any of these things. I just like these things from people I like. The Joan Rivers book has an additional layer of fun to it in that the inscriptions leads me to believe the signed book was a gift to a personal assistant and the book ended up at the thrift store. Yeah thanks boss.
Oh I also have a Spalding Gray. That makes me sad.
And some martial arts celebs. Glenn Morris -- he passed away this year so that makes me sad too. Also Stephen K. Hayes and Masaaki Hatsumi -- that's kinda huge. Also George Thompson and Viki King just cuz I took classes with them. And this loony woman who taught a remote viewing course.
Oh and I have dvds of "The Incredibly Strange Creatures Who Stopped Living and Became Mixed Up Zombies" and "The Lemon Grove Kids Meet the Monsters" signed by Ray Dennis Steckler.
Ri rove Rob Rewhart!
Thursday, September 21, 2006
Porno Shoot
There's this guy in my neighborhood who is a "Leather Daddy." He's also an accountant. So now whenever I see a group of guys in assless leather chaps leading other guys around on leashes and stuff, I say "They must be accountants."
So Leather CPA asked Sue if she could arrange to let some friends of his shoot a low budget film in the basement of our building. Later he referred to it as a student film and then he said it's a film with, you know ... guys.
Firstly, Sue is not the owner and has no ability to give anyone permission to do anything on the property. But she felt strangely compelled to let this proceed. I can kinda see her point. I also am pro-film, even if it's not my type of film and pro-sex, even if it's not my type of sex.
But she proceeded to raise some of the concerns I would have also raised. If the entire building was all young, gay party guys you could kinda almost just go with it. But it's not. There are older straight men and old Russian ladies as well as young, single straight women, all of whom could potentially be freaked out by this.
Karen and Sue determined this idea is a non-starter
Good, cuz I can predict with virtual certainty how that would proceed.
Someone, probably a little old Russian lady would see an odd parade of people and equipment going in and out of the laundry room and call the Sheriff's department.
The Sheriff's deputies arrive and ask who they are and what they're doing. First thing they say is that Sue said they could be there.
Sheriffs go to Sue, find she doesn't have authority to give them permission and ...
... this could go a couple different ways from here, but point being, this story goes through a beat where Sheriff's are confronting Sue.
This is a no brainer.
Leather daddy CPA's suggestion was to lock the basement door and tell the residents they couldn't do laundry for two afternoons because it was being repaired.
Nobody would believe that.
If they saw our laundry room full of guys in assless leather chaps they'd be thinking "what are these accountants doing here?"
So Leather CPA asked Sue if she could arrange to let some friends of his shoot a low budget film in the basement of our building. Later he referred to it as a student film and then he said it's a film with, you know ... guys.
Firstly, Sue is not the owner and has no ability to give anyone permission to do anything on the property. But she felt strangely compelled to let this proceed. I can kinda see her point. I also am pro-film, even if it's not my type of film and pro-sex, even if it's not my type of sex.
But she proceeded to raise some of the concerns I would have also raised. If the entire building was all young, gay party guys you could kinda almost just go with it. But it's not. There are older straight men and old Russian ladies as well as young, single straight women, all of whom could potentially be freaked out by this.
Karen and Sue determined this idea is a non-starter
Good, cuz I can predict with virtual certainty how that would proceed.
Someone, probably a little old Russian lady would see an odd parade of people and equipment going in and out of the laundry room and call the Sheriff's department.
The Sheriff's deputies arrive and ask who they are and what they're doing. First thing they say is that Sue said they could be there.
Sheriffs go to Sue, find she doesn't have authority to give them permission and ...
... this could go a couple different ways from here, but point being, this story goes through a beat where Sheriff's are confronting Sue.
This is a no brainer.
Leather daddy CPA's suggestion was to lock the basement door and tell the residents they couldn't do laundry for two afternoons because it was being repaired.
Nobody would believe that.
If they saw our laundry room full of guys in assless leather chaps they'd be thinking "what are these accountants doing here?"
Tuesday, September 12, 2006
... glad it's over ...
The anniversary of the Unpleasantness of 2001 makes me as jumpy as a polecat in a speed-sniffing contest.
Thursday, September 07, 2006
Pit Bull
On my way home last night, there were people in street screaming and shit.
So I pulled over to see if there was anything I could do.
A pit bull had just attacked another dog and everybody was screaming at each other.
Nobody was thowing punches so I didn't have anything to do there.
No humans were hurt so no nothing for me to do medically. The injured dog was being comforted by his human and they were taking him off to the vet. I'm not trained to treat dogs and I wouldn't anyway, not one I don't know.
The woman with the pit bull was not trying to escape/evade responsibility.
Lots and lots of screaming. But ultimately nothing for me to do. So I copped a seat on the hood of my car and waited for the Sheriff's department. Once they arrived, I hit the road.
The woman with the pit bull was screaming "my dog has never done this before."
Well ... yeah he has.
Here' s what I'm saying.
If you're a woman and you want to get a dog for "protection" ...
... just move ... seriously ... just live somewhere else ...
Get a dog for love and companionship.
And if you're a guy who buys a dog for protection, be sure to get a matching purse and lip gloss.
When I see these guys with the pit bulls and the spike collars and shit, I always wonder what kind of man lets the dog do the talking?
So I pulled over to see if there was anything I could do.
A pit bull had just attacked another dog and everybody was screaming at each other.
Nobody was thowing punches so I didn't have anything to do there.
No humans were hurt so no nothing for me to do medically. The injured dog was being comforted by his human and they were taking him off to the vet. I'm not trained to treat dogs and I wouldn't anyway, not one I don't know.
The woman with the pit bull was not trying to escape/evade responsibility.
Lots and lots of screaming. But ultimately nothing for me to do. So I copped a seat on the hood of my car and waited for the Sheriff's department. Once they arrived, I hit the road.
The woman with the pit bull was screaming "my dog has never done this before."
Well ... yeah he has.
Here' s what I'm saying.
If you're a woman and you want to get a dog for "protection" ...
... just move ... seriously ... just live somewhere else ...
Get a dog for love and companionship.
And if you're a guy who buys a dog for protection, be sure to get a matching purse and lip gloss.
When I see these guys with the pit bulls and the spike collars and shit, I always wonder what kind of man lets the dog do the talking?
Tuesday, September 05, 2006
Hawk and the Apple
Speaking of Samuel Jackson.
I went through EMT school with this guy named Hawk.
Coolest guy ever.
First of all, he looks and SOUNDS remarkably like Samuel Jackson.
He's a former paramedic who let his certs slip while he was in school to be a surgical technologist and he was picking up an EMT cert for some reason pertaining to that.
You dig? Samuel Jackson as a paramedic. But he's a REAL paramedic.
I came around the corner once and found Hawk standing under a tree, staring up into the branches and holding an apple. Picture this conversation with Samuel Jackson ... unless you happen to know Hawk, in which case, picture it with Hawk.
ME
Hey Hawk, whatcha doin?
HAWK
I'm looking for a squirrel to give this apple to.
ME
I see.
HAWK
Last week, this squirrel was staring at my apple and I tried to tell him "You don't want this. Squirrels don't like apples." But when I showed it to him, he took it from me and ran up into the branches and ran right into a crow. I guess that crow wanted that apple too.
ME
How did that play out?
HAWK
I don't know. I had to go back in to class. My apple this week is much larger than my apple last week. Last week's apple was pretty small. It was a small apple.
ME
I see. The squirrel could actually hold the apple and climb.
HAWK
I was just about to throw this apple as hard as I can against that wall over there so it would smash up into pieces a squirrel could carry. I wound up and was just about to let this apple fly when a woman walked right in front of that wall. I 'm glad I managed to stop that throw, cuz if I'd hit her ... it would have been hard to explain.
I went through EMT school with this guy named Hawk.
Coolest guy ever.
First of all, he looks and SOUNDS remarkably like Samuel Jackson.
He's a former paramedic who let his certs slip while he was in school to be a surgical technologist and he was picking up an EMT cert for some reason pertaining to that.
You dig? Samuel Jackson as a paramedic. But he's a REAL paramedic.
I came around the corner once and found Hawk standing under a tree, staring up into the branches and holding an apple. Picture this conversation with Samuel Jackson ... unless you happen to know Hawk, in which case, picture it with Hawk.
ME
Hey Hawk, whatcha doin?
HAWK
I'm looking for a squirrel to give this apple to.
ME
I see.
HAWK
Last week, this squirrel was staring at my apple and I tried to tell him "You don't want this. Squirrels don't like apples." But when I showed it to him, he took it from me and ran up into the branches and ran right into a crow. I guess that crow wanted that apple too.
ME
How did that play out?
HAWK
I don't know. I had to go back in to class. My apple this week is much larger than my apple last week. Last week's apple was pretty small. It was a small apple.
ME
I see. The squirrel could actually hold the apple and climb.
HAWK
I was just about to throw this apple as hard as I can against that wall over there so it would smash up into pieces a squirrel could carry. I wound up and was just about to let this apple fly when a woman walked right in front of that wall. I 'm glad I managed to stop that throw, cuz if I'd hit her ... it would have been hard to explain.
